


where have i gone to

by drasini



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-22 06:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/910042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drasini/pseuds/drasini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>fanfic</p>
            </blockquote>





	where have i gone to

**Author's Note:**

> this story really makes me cringe looking back on it...  
> signed, 2015 me

I imagine myself in a mirror, and this allows me to better see myself as I am now, but then I stop. My hair is no longer tousled as it usually is, nor do I find myself wearing any sort of blue garment that I had familiarized myself with before it had become now. My arms rest at my sides, and my hands clenching and un-clenching in anticipation. I believe I am smiling, but my cheeks have now grown tired and ache from making this face so long. My mind is racing at the moment, and I remember the last time I had seen the face of the girl that stands in front of me.

Whenever I set my eyes on her earlier, I had been taken aback by her skin. It had become pink, and her cheeks were now dusted with a shade of purple that looked awkward in my eyes, though certainly beautiful in many others. Her cheeks were now twitching, though only slightly, likely for the same reason that mine were. Her smile was still charming, and I admit that whenever she spoke the words, 'I've missed you,' I found myself missing her smile more than the girl herself. I didn't reply, because I didn't think I needed to since I had worked on my smile for so long. I hoped it would speak for me, at least to an extent. But soon her face was blase and then so was mine. I choked for a moment, then spoke, but I don't remember what I said. She laughed, and the red in her cheeks covered the purple. I wanted to take a picture, but then I didn't anymore, because the purple was back. We both waited for another second, or two, and then she said, 'You look so different,' and I felt embarrassed because I thought maybe I had overdressed. However, what she wore was so stunning that I found it hard to believe that I was the overdressed one. And so I felt better.

Through the painful silence I sometimes softly spoke of what I had done since we last met, and so did she. She laughed and often touched my arm, if only for a moment before I pulled away and felt wrong, because every time we made contact I felt like I used to. 'I don't want to be old anymore, do you?' I asked her, and she didn't reply, and I looked at my feet before looking to the sky and coughing twice. It was snowing, now, and I thought that maybe I could see what she looked like in all this white, but her head was turned away and so was her body, because she was looking at a tree that had leaves before and now didn't. I raised my hand several times to touch her shoulder, but whenever I looked at my hand that was covered by a glove I wanted to put it back down, but I don't know why, and I don't want to know why.

'Are you alright?' She asked me, to which I didn't reply and she said louder now, 'Are you alright?' but I still wouldn't say anything even if I wanted to, and she took my hand and looked deep into my eyes and I looked deep into hers, but they seemed much more like a window into something else, but I couldn't figure out what. I wished that my eyes could be hidden behind glass as they used to be, but that was the past and this was now. I am here, now.

Her eyelids fluttered before she looked away again, and now I was staring deep into her pallid hair, but then she looked back to me and said something I couldn't hear, because I had found myself thinking of something else, which was what wasn't. I then said sorry several times, more than I probably needed to, but she didn't mind. 'I just have a headache is all,' I said, but both of us knew I wasn't telling the truth. She no longer asked any questions, and instead we continued to walk through the streets, hand in hand, with ice crunching beneath us as a dour ambiance. I couldn't feel her skin, and she couldn't feel mine, but it seemed as though I could, and for that I felt warmer. Every three steps I want to stop again to look in her eyes, but I can't because suddenly she's walking faster, and her expression brightens because she sees something that I don't see, but maybe that was because I hadn't worn my glasses, perhaps in an attempt to look more handsome, but it didn't work. I wanted to bring up mention of a specific girl, one whose face I don't even remember, or even name, but I don't, and instead I think of her white skin for a second and then stop, and then I think of Rose's skin and then stop again because I wanted to think of other things that didn't make my stomach twist and knot.

At this point we're running together, and she is smiling but I'm not, at least not inside but I feel as though I am on the outside, but I can't tell because I don't have a mirror. For a second I'm out of breath, but I then run faster, ahead of her, and begin to lead her myself, because I feel bad that I couldn't stop sulking. She asks me where I'm taking her, and I point ahead to a fountain, and she sighs loudly and says, 'I wanted to go there,' and she points at a restaurant that I look at for such a short time that I don't read the name, and honestly I didn't care. 'John,' she says, 'John,' she says again, and then finally she says 'John, why there?' and I'm dumbstruck because I don't know why, but maybe that's how it's supposed to be at a time like this, so I let go of her hand and turn to her and stay silent for ten seconds before I say, 'This is important to me' and then walk alone to the fountain, and she then follows after.

I look in the water of the fountain, but there is no water. Dirt and leaves have settled on the bed of the fountain, almost creating a desolate but strangely serene scene, and all goes silent once Rose too looks down and we stare, and continue to stare for too long. My eyes blur from the cold, and so I blink, then blink again because I feel myself tearing up and my nose starts stinging from the wind. I look at her, only with my eyes, and see that her nose is red. At first I want to hug her, so we again can feel each other's warmth, but I don't because I don't think I want to anymore, and instead I think of other things that I can't even recall anymore. I apologize to her, and she asks me why but I don't know why so I just say sorry again and cough, my breath visible in the cold for a while, until it's gone because it has to be. I feel better but I don't know why, so I hug Rose and feel the back of her head with my hands, and then her hands are on my back and I laugh, this time sincerely and make a joke, and she replies sarcastically and I'm smiling, and I think my cheeks may be red. But I don't know. As we still hold each other she radiates and I don't but I think it's alright.

I don't know why it's alright, not anymore, but whenever I think of her it suddenly is, and I forget of when it wasn't. My stomach is again in knots, but this time I accept it because it feels almost therapeutic now, and it reminds me of the past and what I used to be and what I am now. Maybe I'm not okay, but it would be okay to not be okay if it meant being here forever. The snow goes on for a minute longer and stops, and we're left to ourselves, standing here thinking of how much we wanted this moment to come. And now it's here, and I am here. And so is she, and that's why I feel fine. She sniffles, and I pull away, perhaps too fast, but she doesn't mind. Now I'm standing and so she she so I smile, and she smiles too and I think of how goofy I must look. And maybe that's just how I am, especially right now.

So I look all around, and take in everything around me, and I look into the sky and see grey that goes on forever and ever, and she walks next to me and grabs my arm again and I don't pull away this time, so she rests her head against my shoulder and then I want to die here, and I want to know why I can't die here and let everything end as it is now, because that would be perfect, and all I've ever wanted is next to me. Instead I remain, and this is how I remain, because this is how it should all be, and we would be happier if it stayed like that. And so I let it be, and I pull away again, then stand where I am next to her and frown, then smile, then frown and smile again. This is okay, and it is all okay forever.

I say something to her, and she says, 'Do you really?' and I say yes, and she replies what I said earlier.


End file.
